Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
