Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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