Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
