we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
