Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
