how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
my sisters under your porch take her home
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Randomize
