accomplished twins. life is a go
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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