id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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