I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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