Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize