My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
