he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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