My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
