Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
