Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
