conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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