the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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