I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
