Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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