if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
