she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Pooping to opera.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
