Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
