Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
