ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
