Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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