i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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