woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize