I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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