Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
