"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
