who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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