You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
no, he came in my armpit
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
