I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
