I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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