Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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