D3 body, D1 cock
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
