Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
