all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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