4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
