I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
