We're like a lot better than the average bears
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
