I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
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