if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
