Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize