Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
