I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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