in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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