My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
