Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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