Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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