theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
