I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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