I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
