I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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