Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
