I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
