the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
