My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
