As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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