i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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