so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
